


Solace

by HawthorneWhisperer



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Post-Season/Series 03, Speculative, lunamy with endgame ish bellarke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-14
Updated: 2016-05-14
Packaged: 2018-06-08 09:43:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6849316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HawthorneWhisperer/pseuds/HawthorneWhisperer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke gave him six months.</p><p>She knew what it felt like, to be faced with returning before you were ready, and she wanted Bellamy to heal.  She wanted that more than she could say, because the memory of his face the day he walked away was burned into her memory.  She wanted him back but mostly she wanted him whole again, wanted that haunted look banished from his eyes forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Solace

**Author's Note:**

> I'm actually very much against Bellamy leaving at the end of season three because I don't think that's what he needs, but I'm also very intrigued by the idea of Bellamy and Luna being together.
> 
> Post Season Three Speculative Fic, with Lunamy and Bellarke.

Clarke gave him six months.

 

She knew what it felt like, to be faced with returning before you were ready, and she wanted Bellamy to heal.  She wanted that more than she could say, because the memory of his face the day he walked away was burned into her memory.  She wanted him back but mostly she wanted him whole again, wanted that haunted look banished from his eyes forever.

 

Bellamy hadn’t left right away.  He’d made it almost a month while they tried to rebuild a semblance of a life from the remains of the old, but the strain of it was breaking him.  Clarke saw that in his eyes every time she looked at him, and the day he approached her cabin with his bag already packed, she knew what he was going to say before he opened his mouth.

 

Clarke walked him to the path to the shore and hugged him one last time, and told herself she was doing the right thing by letting him go.  He couldn’t heal, not fully, not if she was there, because she knew what he wanted and she couldn’t give him that.  He never asked, but Bellamy could never hide things from her and she knew he understood her reasons.   All of that passed between them, unspoken and heavy as they walked side by side, and Clarke left as Octavia approached to say her goodbyes because the reason for him leaving didn’t deserve to be there for that.  

 

At least she knew where he was, and she knew he was safe.  Luna had granted them that, sending a messenger to let them know that Bellamy had arrived and been granted safe passage.   _ I have to see if I can do it, Clarke.  I have to try and be a better man,  _ he’d said as she clung to him that morning.  She wanted to tell him he didn’t have to try, that he was already a better man than he believed, but the words clogged her throat and all she could do was nod.  He needed solace and she couldn’t give him that, so she let him go.

 

Clarke wondered if that was what life was going to be on the ground now, just an endless series of goodbyes.

 

But it had been six months and the Council wanted to establish trade with the Floukru, so Clarke volunteered to lead the delegation.  Octavia was off treating with the Ice Nation and would be furious when she found out, but Clarke wasn’t even sure Bellamy would want to return, so it was better that she try without getting Octavia’s hopes up.

 

Miller was at her side the whole time, and when Luna’s scouts found them they recognized her right away.  They still insisted on the knockout potion to keep their location secure, but this time when Clarke came to in an cold metal box, Bellamy was crouched over her, a genuine smile on his face.

 

“Fancy meeting you here,” he said softly, helping her to sit up.

 

“Great to see you too,” Miller scowled from her other side.

 

Bellamy laughed and went to pull his friend to standing, pounding him on the back as they hugged.  “We got your message.  Luna’s waiting,” he said, and they followed him out into the bright sunlight.  Clarke squinted, but soon they were back in the warren of containers, shadows thick on the ground.

 

“How are you?” Clarke asked, taking in the straightness of his shoulders and the looseness of his strides.

 

“I’m good,” he said, and there it was again— a smile.  Clarke tried to remember when he last smiled at her like that, open and fearless, like...like he was happy.  She couldn’t bring it to mind, except for brief moments around the Dropship.  That felt like decades ago instead of a year, and she tried to smile back.  Bellamy was happy but a small, selfish part of her wished he’d been able to find this peace back with his people.

 

With her.

 

“So you’re really buying into the whole hippy peacenik shit, huh?” Miller asked.

 

“Any reason you’re talking like a villain from an Ark movie?” Bellamy bantered, and Miller laughed.  “But yeah, it’s— it’s good here,” he said, with a quick flicker of his eyes to Clarke.

 

Luna stood when they walked in, and Clarke paused, unsure.  But Bellamy walked straight to her side, and Clarke and Miller had no choice to follow.  “Luna, I—”

 

Luna held up her hand.  “Bellamy made apologies for you,” she said.  “I trust you’re not here to force me to become Commander?”

 

“We’re a trade delegation,” Clarke promised.  “That’s all.”

 

Luna gestured to the benches across from her, and Clarke and Miller sat down.  Bellamy took the seat at Luna’s right, and Clarke wanted to protest.  It felt wrong, facing him.  Like they were on opposite sides, even though this was just a trade negotiation.  “So you have things we want?”  Luna crossed her legs and Bellamy leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees.  It was a pose so familiar it made her heart ache, but she forced herself to focus on the topic at hand.

 

“We do,” Clarke replied.  “Or we hope we do.  Technology, mostly.”

 

“Created by the famous Raven Reyes, I assume?” Luna said drily, exchanging a look with Bellamy.

 

“Most of it,” Clarke admitted.  “She’s the best.”

 

“So I hear,” Luna said.  “What would you want from us?”

 

“Anything you feel would be of value.  Boats, if you can spare them, or nets and fish if you can’t.”  They were doing fairly well at providing for themselves, but building anything more than a dugout canoe was proving to be a challenge.  The canoes worked on rivers and in the bay near their camp, but they weren’t built for the open ocean.  If they wanted to increase their fishing capacity, they needed bigger boats.

 

“We have no boats to spare,” Luna said.

 

Bellamy leaned forward.  “What if— what if we didn’t trade things?”

 

Luna smiled fondly at him.  “Then what do you propose we trade?”

 

“Knowledge,” he said, with that same smile.  “What if we traded people?  Just temporarily.  We could send our builders and they could send their engineers.”  Clarke’s heart stuttered to a stop.   _ We, _  he said, and  _ they, _  but the meaning was all wrong.  He didn’t see himself as one of their people anymore, and Clarke had no idea how much pain that idea would cause her until right this very second.

 

Luna hadn’t looked away from Bellamy the whole time he was speaking.  “A trade of knowledge,” Luna repeated.  “That could be beneficial.”

 

“There would be safeguards, of course,” Clarke interjected, because even after all this time, she knew what Bellamy was thinking.  “We would promise that our people would not bring weapons here.”

 

“But what would we need from you?” Luna asked.

 

“Water filtration,” Bellamy supplied.  “The system here is ancient and you know it.  Raven could build something three times as efficient.  Just think— no more water rationing on the days it breaks,” he said with a knowing grin.

 

Luna looked thoughtful.  “I think this could work.  But Clarke, Miller, you must be tired from your travels.  Bellamy can show you to your compartments to rest before the welcome feast tonight.”

 

Clarke knew they were being dismissed, so she stood and followed him out.  Bellamy moved with ease through the crowd, patting a man’s shoulder here, tousling a child’s hair there.  And smiling— always smiling.  She never thought he could smile like that, never thought he could walk around without the weight of the world on his shoulders.

 

_ He can’t with you, _  her brain hissed as Bellamy started climbing a ladder.  “So Luna, huh?” Miller asked when he reached the next level after Clarke.

 

Bellamy again glanced at Clarke, but the tips of his ears turned the faintest bit of red.  “Yeah, kind of,” he mumbled.

 

“Good,” Clarke said brightly.  “I’m happy for you.  Luna’s— she’s great.”  Maybe if she said it often enough, it would feel less like a lie.  She wanted it to be the truth, anyway.  And Luna was kind and good, her refusal to help battle ALIE notwithstanding.  She’d made Bellamy smile again and for that alone Clarke owed her.

 

“Right, well, these two compartments are yours,” Bellamy said, refusing to make eye contact with her.  “Want me to come get you for the feast, or do you think you can make it back on your own?”

 

“Down the ladder, two lefts and the third right,” Miller said.  “I think we can handle it.”

 

“Good.  It’s good to see you guys,” Bellamy said.  “Really, it’s— I’ve missed you.”

 

“You realize your sister is going to demand that you be part of the first exchange, right?” Miller said.

 

Bellamy looked away.  “How is she?”

 

“She’s good,” Clarke answered.  “She’s our ambassador.  Currently meeting with the Ice Nation, or else she probably would have taken my spot on this trip.”

 

Bellamy nodded.  “Right, well, I’ll see you later,” he said abruptly, and hastened down the ladder.

 

Miller tipped his chin at Clarke.  “You okay there?”

 

She plastered a smile on her face.  “Couldn’t be better.”

 

**

 

Bellamy stood to Luna’s right during the toast, and halfway through the meal Luna brushed a kiss to his cheek.  It was an absent-minded gesture, but for some reason that made it more intimate.  It was affectionate in a thoughtless sort of way, and when Bellamy touched the small of her back Clarke realized they moved together like a couple that knew each other’s every thought.  Her gut churned and bile rose in her throat and she tossed back the Floukru moonshine entirely too quickly.

 

She waited until Bellamy was busy talking to Miller to corner Luna.  “I see you’ve moved on from Derrick,” she said, and it wasn’t fair and in fact it was awful of her, but...of all the things she expected, it wasn’t this.  Never this. She’d seen Luna’s grief when she lost Derrick, fierce and powerful and endless.  

 

Luna gave her a hard look.  “Losing one love does not mean you can’t find another,” she growled, and Clarke knew that Bellamy hadn’t held anything back from her.  It didn’t matter that he’d never asked and she’d never refused.  Losing Lexa not just once but twice had almost broken her, and she couldn’t risk losing someone like that again.  Or so she’d thought when Bellamy left, needing something she couldn’t give.  She wasn’t so sure anymore, now that the gaping wound that Lexa had left on her heart was had become a scar, healed but ever present.  But maybe she simply wasn't meant to love anyone again.  

 

Tears filled Clarke’s eyes and she pushed past a knot of people near the door.  She needed air, she needed space, and she needed to be away from...them.  But no sooner had she reached the edge of the rig than she heard footsteps behind her.  She still knew his gait, even after six months, but she wrapped her arms around her middle and refused to look back.

 

“Pretty, isn’t it?” Bellamy said, and it took her a second to realize he was talking about the sunset over the water.  It was beautiful, orange and pink and red and yellow, but her eyes were too blurred with tears to take in the details.  “I used to memorize how moonrises looked and tell Octavia about them on the Ark.  Sometimes I find myself doing that here.  Thinking about what I’d tell her.”

 

“She misses you.”

 

“I miss her too,” Bellamy said, coming to stand right next to her.  His arms were crossed but his posture was relaxed.  Everything about him radiated peace, and Clarke was jealous.  He had healed and it only served to remind her that she hadn’t.  Not fully.  “But she’s good?”

 

Clarke surreptitiously wiped at a tear on her cheek.  “Yeah.  She is, really.”

 

“I didn’t leave because of you,” he said softly.  “You know that, right?”  Clarke shrugged, because he’d never  _ said _ it was because of her, but she knew that was part of it.  “I didn’t,” he insisted.  “I left because— who I was down here, I didn’t like it.  I never wanted to be that way, and then suddenly all I knew was killing.  I had to try something else, try to be better.”

 

“You never needed to be better,” Clarke replied.  “Who you are— that didn’t need to change.”

 

Now it was his turn to shrug.  “I needed to know if I could.  If I could stop killing, even if— even if that’s what surviving here requires.”

 

“We’re at peace now.  The remaining Clans.  We have a treaty.”

 

“That’s good,” he said, and it sounded sincere.  “But it’s more than that, Clarke.  You know that.  The things I’ve done— I can’t be forgiven for them, but I can try to do better.”

 

“There’s blood on my hands too,” Clarke pointed out.  “Should I run away too?”

 

“You already did.”  The muscle in his jaw ticked.  “You said you knew you could leave because they had me, and I— I knew they had you.  So I left.  And Luna...she’s helped me, Clarke.”

 

Clarke remembered what it felt like to lay in Lexa’s bed, happy and peaceful even if it was only for a few moments.  She wanted that for Bellamy and she was glad he’d found it, but the fact that it took him leaving her behind to be able to heal hurt more than she ever could have imagined.

 

“So are you ever coming home?”  She didn’t mean for it to sound plaintive, but there it was.  She understood why he left, but as the months ticked past and still he didn’t return, her understanding started to curdle.  She wondered if that was what it was like for him when she was living her half-life in the woods, feral and broken.  She understood the anger that he’d unleashed on her now, because it was the same anger and sadness coursing through her veins.   _You left but I needed you to come back._

 

He left, and he found someone else.  It was as simple as that, and Clarke knew that she had no claim on him.  But now, faced with this new Bellamy, this Bellamy that smiled and laughed easily, this Bellamy who stood next to another woman with love in his eyes, she felt like she’d lost something precious.

 

Bellamy looked at her— really looked, for the first time since she awoke.  “Do you want me to?” he asked.  He sounded unsure, like he didn’t know how much he meant to her.  Maybe he didn’t understand her the way she thought he did, because if he did he never would have doubted that she wanted him back.  

 

“How can you ask that?” she said, her throat thick with tears.  “Of course I do.  I need you, Bellamy, and I always will.  I know— I know how things were when you left.  But they’re different now.  I’m different now.  And I get that you don’t want to be who you were, but who you were...I loved him, Bellamy.  I loved him and I need you, because our people need so much from me and I can’t do it alone.”

 

Bellamy looked down at her and then he was pulling her into a hug.  His arms wrapped around her back and she pressed her ear to his chest as he tucked his chin down and breathed her in.  “I’m sorry,” he whispered, and she didn’t know what he was apologizing for but she held him as tightly as she could.

 

Clarke pulled back and wiped her eyes.  “So you’ll...come back?”

 

Bellamy glanced back at the room with the feast.  “I will.  Luna and I—”

 

“--I understand,” Clarke interjected.  “I won’t— I won’t stand in your way.”  And she wouldn’t, because she’d had her fill of that.  If Bellamy loved Luna, she would learn to live with it.  And she could, if it meant having Bellamy in her life again.

 

Bellamy smiled softly.  “That’s not what I was going to say.  I was going to say, Luna and I— we’re not what you think we are.  We’re friends, and sometimes...sometimes more.  I could never replace Derrick for her, and she couldn't-- she knows what she means to me.  I love her and she gave me peace when all I knew was war, but she always knew I was going to go home.  Eventually.”

 

“So you’ll come home?” she repeated.

 

“I’ll come home,” he said with a smile.

 

And Clarke found herself smiling back.

  
  



End file.
